Well that’s that for another five years. It looks to me like a good result for two reasons. First of all, the Millibrain didn’t get elected, and secondly, the FTSE shot up like a gas balloon on speed. It’s the economy, stupid. And part of the economy is my pension fund.
I’m worried though about a new development I could hardly fail to notice – one that seems to be the manifestation of political correctness gone beserk. Today, like a herd of frightened mustangs, the losers stampeded to resign, raising enough dust to contribute to their climate-change agendas. I thought this was most undignified, and so did the BBC, who obviously carefully orhestrated the wave of hari-kiri so that the dagger could at least be shared and moved between the venues at half-hourly intervals. Very organised. But not very British. Except for Nigel.
It seems to that the UKIP Leader, having realised long ago that his Farage Balloons would fail to stem the waves of johnny-foreigners arriving at Heathrow, and despite his intended constituency being directly under the flight path, at least told us beforehand exactly what he would do if he didn’t get elected. He’d quit. And he didn’t, so he did. So no concerns there. And frankly, who wouldn’t be a little pissed off at getting nearly 4 million votes and being rewarded with one (count ’em) seat in the Commons occupied by an ex-Tory who would have got elected anyway if he hadn’t defected after circling UKIP’s light like a Bogong and being caught in the glare.
But what about Nick? Did I agree with Nick? Certainly not. If only we had more policticians like him. Yes, he messed up on tuition fees, but I forgave him for that the day after. You only had to witness his resignation speech today to realise how much more of a politician and a potential statesman he is than the Millibrain could ever have been. When he said earlier that the Liberal Democrats could be the heart of a Tory government, or the brain of a Labour government, I believed him, because I’ve seen what they’ve done over the last five years. Well done, Nick. But he let himself down, I feel, by joining the phalanx of quitters after today’s disaster. If every time I had some sort of disaster I simply quit, I would have had exactly one disaster. So I say re-elect Nick, please.
Nick: the rush to ‘take responsibility’ didn’t suit you, and this fiasco simply was not your fault. When I’ve worked out whose it was, I’ll let you know, but frankly, I’m baffled.
On the other hand, blame can be laid squarely at the door of the Millibrain, who will no doubt be locked up behind it for a while until he’s chipped his entire Edstone through Justine’s food processor so that he can hide it like the sand in the Great Escape. This would be a fitting end to the parody of parodies which unwitting jounalists and wide-eyed interns had started to believe was actually an election campaign. When I saw the stone, I was convinced I’d found another episode of ‘The Thick of It’ on Netflix.
Here’s how the script went:
I’m Ed. If you’re not a member of a ‘hard working family’, and if you don’t believe that money grows on trees, then I have nothing for you. Except if you’re contributing to the economy, in which case I’ve got plenty of stuff for you, like taxes, for example, and more regulation to prevent you from growing your small firm. On the other hand, if you feel that you’re victim of the Tory conspiracy to keep you poor, and you’ve signed a zero-hours contract to prove it, and if you believe that having absolutely no aspiration is the way to go and that the bedroom tax is your biggest issue, and if the spelling and gammar on your latest Facebook post is atrocious, and definitely if you can’t add up, then I’m your man. Just vote for the bloke nearest to you who’s shouting loudest about social injustice and how those horrible people who are actually paying your benefits and living in mansions are responsible for everything bad that could ever happen to you.
As a voter, I want to see a campaign a little more intelligent than that, in which I hear about some policies that are going to move us all forward and restore us to the economic and political force in the world that we used to be. Trying to convince your lost generations (see previous post about arithmetic) who grew up during the last Labour shambles and who are now old enough to vote that I’m a bad guy because I’m renting a flat to one of them is not a policy that’s going to win me over., and trying to bribe them with an ill-thought through cut in tuition fees isn’t going to win them over.
So well done, Ed, Good decision. Now let’s see if you get replaced by a real politician who can actually spell ‘inclusivity’. Actually, I’ve got a good candidate for you. His name is Nick. And he has a brain.